Drunk

Drunk people are never sad, they say.

True.

Is that why people transform into drunkards or addicts in the first place? Does the alcohol make them feel alive? Does it make them feel happy and active? Or is it just the moment of ironic absolution hidden beneath the thick brown liquid.

Lolita and the band come frolicking around in our minds ever so often. We dissociate ourselves from our cognitive thought when she passes by. The feeling of love, itself is partially a fluke. An overly-influential feeling that often overtakes our  rationale. But even if love is real, some things are absolute truth. We should never fall in love with someone we won’t end up with. As fate decides to wreak turmoil on humane feelings, it’s normal enough for us to at least try subjugate them when they  overtake our minds.

Hello darling,

How are you tonight? How’s life without me, without us? I needed to talk to you about a few things. I needed to ask,

Will I ever be okay when you aren’t around? Will I ever breathe easy when your smell doesn’t surround me? Will I ever think of you without being wrapped in your love?  Will I ever sleep peacefully without you? Your smell in my bed-sheet, your hair on my face and your body in my shirt?

I dreamt about us last night. You were wearing that blue dress of yours you had on the first time I met you. And your hair brushed against my face every time you looked at me. I really can’t go into much detail though. Mostly because I don’t remember much and it gets hard to think after a few shots. Also because I’ve been trying to forget since morning. It didn’t help much though. You wouldn’t leave my brain. So I decided the best way to let something out is to talk to you about it. So, here I am, talking to you ...about how I miss you.

I’ve feared this day, the day I’d get exhausted; of running from you, your love. I’ve tried to muster the strength to finally get used to living without you. But then again you were always an asshole, never letting me have what I wanted. I have become so used to keeping myself distracted from you and not letting all the thoughts that haunt me have a voice that I’ve actually forgotten how it felt not to be busy. I have to hide the ugly inside me. And sadly… I just don’t think I have the strength anymore.

Sometimes, I wish we never met. And then sometimes I wish I would never forget a single moment spent with you. And all I want, even if it’s just for one day, is to be with you, because then I’d know that for a short while, you missed me too. But whatever, I’ll be fine tomorrow anyway. Put on a smile and go to work, like I always do. Maybe take a shower.

You know, I forget to have dinner before I sleep now, almost everyday. I seem to always forget that you aren’t here to remind me. I wake up at 3 am every night expecting to hear you singing some Damien Rice classic. And I can’t sleep after that. Your voice was my lullaby, and now all I hear is the aging ceiling fan shrieking as it turns. I have no one who snuggles up against me when it’s cold or screams out my name when she’s having a nightmare anymore. I miss your warmth against me.

REMINDER: I might need to remove your pillow from the bed. It makes me want to hold you.

I think your smell is starting to disappear from the bedsheets. And it’s driving me crazy. As days go by, they smell more like detergent and less like that lotion you’d put on. Can’t quite remember the name. The one with the white neck. I keep wearing the over-sized t-shirts expecting you to snuggle up inside them with me.  I need a change of wardrobe. All my shirts still smell like you. And they won’t let me concentrate on life.

Maybe someday I will have the guts and the time to look in on you, how you’re doing with your life now. Now is not that time. So instead everything as it is now will be jumbled, not make sense to me. I need to talk to you more often though. It makes me feel relaxed. I’m going to finish that assignment today, if I can. I think I’ve had one too many drinks. I’m pretty sure it’s okay to dream though. I’m exhausted. I miss you. I can’t wait to be with you. I don’t how much longer I can last.
Writing today was a bad idea apparently. Need to remember to tear this out in the morning…

But… not tonight

For the next few hours,

It’s just you and me,

Just the two of us,

Inbetween these pages,

Together,

So cheers darling!

Here’s to tonight!

My head hurts…