Belated

“What do you want to do with your life?”, he asked her

as he took sip from the coffee mug in front of him.

She didn’t look up. She’d already ruined the cool love sign the barista had designed on top of her latte, but she kept stirring anyway. She knew the answer to his question. She’d rehearsed it a thousand times before.

“Well I have a degree in sociology and my mother made me take a few cooking classes last semester before I...”

“Naa naa not that.I meant what do you want to become?”

“I don’t get you.”, she was genuinely confused about his question. She looked up to him for the first time since they got together.
He was a handsome man. Five foot ten, larger than normal. Not the standing out of the crowd type, but definitely above average. But he had a sense of genuinity in his eyes. Something that made him stand out from the other men she’d met over the last few months.

This man was to become her husband in two weeks. Her mother had hand-picked him from a pool of ten candidates. She didn’t have a sayin it. She just had to meet all of them one by one.
She didn’t hate her mother’s choice though. He had a stable job and he looked like he was a decent guy. That’s more than you can ask for anymore.
“I’m asking you what YOU want from life? What does Miss Aonkita want to become?”, he snapped his fingers trying to make a point.

“Oh…”
She sat there, frozen and trying to think about how to answer that question. He wasn’t supposed to ask her this. Her mother gave her a list of questions and answers she had to parrot in front of him. She didn’t want to risk upsetting the boy’s side with stupid answers. This wasn’t on the list. She didn’t know how her maa would want her to answer in this situation. She didn’t know how she wanted to answer him.

She was a topper college. Top 5% in her class. She achieved everything she could’ve by the age of 18. Won a couple of Olympiads here and there. A spitball of fire she was. You could keep asking her questions about all day about absolutely anything and you couldn’t stop her.  

And yet there she was, sitting in front of her partner to-be for the rest of her life, and she didn’t know the answer to the most basic question of them all. What did she want to do with her life? What did she want to become? She didn’t know, she never thought of it.

All she knew growing up was that her parents had some expectations. And it was her duty to fulfill those expectations.

Get 90 percent in exams.
Done.
Get into a public university.
Done.
Get engaged to the man your parents choose for you.
Done.

Fulfill your dreams.
Not done.

Well… she could still fulfill her dreams if she wanted to, right? Right?
But what were her dreams? What and where did she want to be? Where did she forget what she really wanted to do with life?

She remembers everything faintly now. She remembers finger painting on her bedroom wall when she was 6. The colors made her go crazy every time they touched her fingers. She remembers loosing herself in the colors. She remembers her art teacher’s eyes widening in awe every time he saw a painting she made.

She remembers telling her maa that she wanted to draw for the rest of her life. She remembers her mother’s face turning dark every time she said it. She remembers her dad ignoring her, scoffing at her every time she asked him if she could study art at college. She remembers picking sociology because it’s the only subject her maa would let her take without flipping out.

But when did she stop looking for a way? What did she stand for if not an aspiring artist? A college graduate? A soon to-be housewife? What is she anymore?

She didn’t know. She couldn’t know anymore. And as she desperately tried to figure it out, a speck of saltwater ran down her soft cheeks into the cup of coffee. What did she want from life?

“Aonkita? Are you okay? Do you want me to drop you home?”, he broke her trance. He had seen her crying.

“No no I’m fine.”, she said as she wiped her face.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, absolutely”, she cleared her throat, “Okay, I know.”

“What do you know?”, he looked a bit confused now.

“I know what I want from my life.”

“Okay tell me.”, a look of genuine curiosity ran through his face. Something she hadn’t seen in the other guys her mom made her meet.

“For starters, I don’t want to marry you right now. No don’t get me wrong Anondo. I feel like you’re a genuinely interesting guy and any girl would be lucky to have you in their lives. But I think I’ve left a lot of leaves unturned to be moving on just yet”, she caught her breath. “And I think it’s time for me to turn those leaves. I don’t want to be a house-wife Anondo. I never did. I’m sorry that I made you believe I did”

She finally looked up to him. A hint of a smile ran through his face. He didn’t seem too worried. Maybe he wasn’t. He’s a decent enough guy. He’ll find someone new when he wants to.

“So where are you going?” he smirked.

“I don’t know just yet. I’m going to try and figure out.”, she said as she scourged her bag for her purse.

“I’m sorry I’ll have to rush but I have to go now.”, she said as she picked up her bag. “Oh and thanks for the coffee. I hope we meet again someday.”

She rushed out of the café. All the women were at the mall picking out sharees for the wedding, and her dad was having lunch somewhere with Anondo’s parents. She had to rush home while she had the chance.

She’d never felt happier as she packed her diary into the travel bag. She had taken out all her savings from the bank. She’d packed just enough clothes into her bag to keep her going for a couple of days. She packed some food for the road and a book to keep herself occupied. She completed a note as she packed one last bottle of maa’s achaar into her bag.

‘ Dear maa,
I’m really sorry I have to do this. I know you’re super excited about the wedding and I know you’d make me a beautiful bride. But maa I’m not ready to marry, not just yet. I want to work maa, I want to paint. I don’t know what I want to work for. But I want to work. I know this is very rushed but it’s better late than never, right maa?

I know you’ll understand. Handle dad for me will you? You know he’s a helpless little child without me. Keep his glasses on the dressing table. It’s the only place he looks for it. And take your pills on time. I’ll come back to you as soon as I can.
-Your Aonki’

She left the note under her keys on the dining table. And as she got on the 5 o’ clock bus, she felt something she’d never felt before.  She felt free. And freedom tasted sweet. She didn’t know where she was going. She didn’t know what she wanted to do. But she was going to find out.